Who wants a friend with Bipolar?

Mental Health Memoir by former Solicitor Chris Wainwright
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Introduction
 
Over a century ago my grandfather mortgaged himself to the hilt and expanded his footwear repair business. He acquired large premises opposite the Princes Risborough railway station - people said he'd bitten off more than he could chew. He developed the enterprise into three retail shops selling ladies mens and childrens shoes. As a proud member of the family I never wore anything on my feet that wasn’t from Wainwrights. I worked on and off in the shops for much of my life and have some good stories to tell.
 
As I got older I became increasingly recognised as a Wainwright. I got used to that and all was well until I was affected by bipolar mental illness which ran in the family. I wondered why I'd inherited the gene rather than one of my siblings. Maybe it was just luck or perhaps because I was the eldest. Ashamed of my 'disorder' for years I hid it for fear of being shunned. Once you're diagnosed no one will know you have the illness if you don't tell them. That's up to you but it's not necessarily a straightforward decision. There are many who should know better who are swayed by stigma and frightened of bipolar for no good reason. Despite the myths and rumours there's no more risk of harm as a result of the illness. I have Bipolar I but I regard myself as equal if not better than anyone else. I'm now 70 in reasonable health. I use my commonsence, take my meds and generally look after myself. The misconceptions about bipolar disorder result from 'stigma' and cause considerable trouble. You'll see examples of exaggerated claims on page 1 of your search results if you search for 'BiPolar Disorder'
 
I've written this memoir hoping it will help people like me who feel stigmatised or ashamed because of their diagnosis. I also want to explain my reasons for being forthright about my beliefs should they be criticised. I'm glad there are more and more campaigners and speakers on the subject of bipolar. It's just as well because everybody knows the name but not a lot about what it entails. I still know people who continue to avoid me because of my bipolar. When someone reacts like that it's because they only know the negative side and the stigma which will worry anyone who dont know better! If it wasn't for all the prejudice my illness would've been relatively easy to manage. They say attitudes towards mental illnesses have improved. If so by how much? They were poor when my illness began 50 years ago but I doubt if we're all honest that they're much better. Anyone can learn the facts but they could still be prejudiced. Sex and Racial Discrimination are protected by law. Why not discrimination due to mental illness? If it was made illegal it might not change peoples minds overnight but it would help by sending a clear signal
 
I've always had a good sense of humour but at 22 it wasn't any help when my bipolar symptoms began. Up to then anyone in my shoes would have been expecting a reasonably successful future. I’d come to terms with the irrepairable ACL knee injury picked up in the army. I was a keen all-round sports afficianado so losing my competitive edge was a blow. Little did I know that there was worse to come. It took my GPs 14 years before they referred me to 'expert' psychiatrists for diagnosis. What on earth had they been thinking! I spent all that time on a mental obstacle course! The delay had grave repercussions. My resignation from my solicitors position in High Wycombe was one of them. I actually believed the legal work was somehow causing my depression. Had the doctors been honest and told me the truth I could have continued in the law or started the sales career I'd planned. I'd thought about a wine importation business using my French. People knew I wanted my own company. Only dad thought law a better idea. As it was I did well in the legal profession which is why Richard and Stephen offered me a partnership in their High Wycombe firm. I was cut-out for sales and it would have been the best career for me. It would've been far more compatible with bipolar than the legal profession. If my GPs hadn't kept me in the dark my parents and I would've been spared a lot of suffering. I hate to guess how much I lost emotionally and financially. Bipolar 1 lose up to 60% of their lives due to disruption! I was astonished to learn of that statistic but realised it was most likely correct. Mum and Dad had put me on a pedastal. Not the wisest move when their proud expectations were soon destroyed. It must have been a bitter pill to swallow and taken them great strength of mind to soldier on. The internet wasn’t available at the time so I had no option but to rely completely on what my GPs said. I had no idea what was causing the symptoms. My shame, anxiety and extreme low moods over such a long period took their toll. I became a different person who didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. Often during those periods of illness I had no interest in life and the anti-depressant tablets of the day were hopeless. I was constantly preoccupied with worry, extreme embarrassment, feeling trapped in a hopeless existence. Apart from periods of recovery between the depressions I doubted if I would ever get well! There was nothing I could do to make myself feel better. 
 
Damage assessment for bipolar 1 is considerable and I wonder what the physical equivalent would be in the impact of an accident, disease or injury? I'd always been a ‘get back in the saddle’ type and believed myself resilient. I'd always been fit, had propped at rugby throuout school for Bucks Schoolboys, excelled at most sports, passed Sandhurst and had a very positive thumbs up from my Yorkshire Infantry Battalion colonel for a five year commission paid through university. I had three depressions and a manic episode because  the medics refused bipolar medication saying I had an 'emotional reaction'. Once diagnosed and on the correct meds I was back to my old self except for the shame. I wasn't full of the joys of spring with my past history and having to hide bipolar because of the stigma. It kept me from seeing old friends in the army and on the farm in France. It was no surprise when I recently heard I have PTSD from the traumas. I've had EMDR treatment from an excellent private practitioner. I hope my recovery will reassure people who
have lost confidence because of trauma 
 
I hid my bipolar for thirty years or more. I wasn't going to bring it up at Wainwrights I knew dad wouldnt have wanted it. It was a breakthrough after I left the shoe trade and the penny really dropped. If I didn't open up nothing would ever change. The realisation made a big difference to how I felt. It helped my confidence and self respect. I'd also got unfit and had put far too much weight. I thought it could be therapeutic if I got back to playing tennis. Unfortunately an issue developed with the local club. Ironically  it helped me. The chairman and secretary had formed a clique with a troublemaker and broken several of the most important rules of sport. I knew they were wrong but I'd got used to doubting myself and nearly caved in! I was beginning to stand up for myself again. I've never tolerated bullying and unfairness. I knew my bipolar might be used against me so I spiked their guns by coming out.