In My Wainwrights Shoes

Aylesbury Grammar School Head Boy Sportsman Soldier Solicitor 
Bipolar 1 Stigma Campaigner

By Chris Wainwright, Chinnor, Princes Risborough, Beaconsfield

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1. Introduction
 
Over a century ago my grandfather Albert Thomas Wainwright mortgaged himself to the hilt and expanded  his footwear repair business. He acquired large premises opposite Princes Risborough railway station but people said he'd taken on too much. He turned the enterprise into three shops selling ladies mens and childrens shoes. As a proud member of the family I never wore anything on my feet that wasn’t from Wainwrights. I worked on and off in the business for much of my life and have some good stories to tell 
 
As I got older I was increasingly recognised as connected to the business and all was well until I was affected by bipolar 1 mental illness which ran in the family. I wondered why it had to be me that inherited the gene and not one of my siblings. Maybe it was because I was the eldest or perhaps it was just luck of the draw. Ashamed of my 'disorder' I hid it for many years because I was sure I'd be shunned. Keeping bipolar secret is not a straightforward decision. It's sad that many people are still taken in by the stigma which is completely unnecessary. Yes, I have Bipolar I but I'm equal to if not better than most folk I come across. If you think that's big headed please read on. I'm now 70, in reasonable health and keep quiet if I don't know what I'm talking about. Like most of us I make decisions using my commonsence. I'm very particular about taking medication and following the rules. I do have failings (we're all human) but I don't doubt my abilities anymore. For many years I lost heart in myself because I had bipolar one and thought I was a pariah. I then worked out that in truth I was as good as anyone else. It was 'stigma' that made me feel second rate. There was nothing else to make me think I was a reject. Most people are clueless about the illness. They know the problems but don't realise they can be treated. In fact once stabilised you wouldn't know the person had a mental illness. You can live a perfectly normal life with appropriate medication. What gets me down are the constant negatives. Search Google for 'BiPolar Disorder' and you'll get the most ridiculous assertions. Search 'Quora' and look at what comes up. Some of it's fine but a lot is bonkers. If a website wants traffic it has to grab attention. Instead of a title:- 'How far can a person walk in a day' they might ask 'How far can a person with bipolar 1 walk in a day' which will get more hits. That's what the internet is about!
 
I've written this memoir hoping to help people like me who feel stigmatised and/or ashamed because of their diagnosis. I also want to explain why I'm forthright about my beliefs and opinions should anyone ever want to question me. Today there are more and more campaigners for the illness which is just as well because the facts aren't well known. I know there are people who avoid me because I have bipolar. Another  reason is they feel awkward because they don't know what to say or how to behave. I also have a problem with my well-known family business but I can't just roll over and accept adversity. When people react like that it's because of stigma in both cases! Most of us value fairness because none of us would want to be treated unfairly! It's often said that public attitudes about mental illness have improved but I don't agree! They were bad 50 years ago and haven't got much better. People know and talk about the subject but not enough to make a dent in their prejudice. Sex and Racial Discrimination are controlled by law. Why not bipolar 1 and 2? It might not change minds overnight but it would steadily help speed things along 
 
I've always had a good sense of humour but at 22 it didn't help when my bipolar symptoms began. Up to then I was anticipating a reasonably successful future. I’d come to terms with the irrepairable ACL knee injury picked up in the army. I was a keen all-round sports afficianado but losing my competitive edge was a blow. Little did I know that there was worse to come. It took my GPs 14 years before they referred me to 'expert' psychiatrists for diagnosis. What on earth were they thinking! I spent all that time blindfolded in a mental minefield and the deliberate delay had grave repercussions. My resignation from my solicitors position in High Wycombe was one of them. I actually believed the legal work was somehow causing my depression. Had the doctors been honest and told me the truth I could have continued in the law or started the sales career I'd planned. I'd thought about a wine importation business using my French. Friends knew I wanted my own company. Only dad thought the legal profession a better idea. As it was I got on well in the law which is why Richard and Stephen offered me a partnership in their High Wycombe firm Bruce Lance & Co. I was perhaps better suited to selling and French wine imports would've been an ideal career and far more compatible coping with bipolar than the law. If my GPs had been honest my parents and I would've been spared a lot of suffering. I hate to guess how much it cost me emotionally and financially. People with bipolar 1 lose between 50% - 65% of their lives due to various forms of disruption! I was astonished to hear that statistic but realised it was most likely correct. Mum and Dad had put me on a pedestal. Not the wisest move when their expectations were quickly destroyed. It would've have been a bitter pill to swallow. The internet wasn’t available at the time so I had no option but to rely completely on what my GPs told me. I had no idea what was causing the depressions or that they could occur again. My shame, anxiety and extreme low moods during illness took their toll. I became a different person who didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. Often during periods of illness I had precious little interest in life and the anti-depressants of the day were hopeless. I was constantly preoccupied with worry, extreme embarrassment, feeling trapped in a hopeless existence. Apart from periods of recovery between the depressions I doubted if I would ever get well! Apart from waiting there was nothing I could do to make myself feel better. 
 
Damage caused to individuals by bipolar 1 is considerable. I wonder what the equivalent would be in physical damage? Maybe a serious motor or building accident, a chronic disease or debilitating injury? I was a ‘get back in the saddle’ type but I couldn't escape from the all pervading anxiety and depression as it worsened. I'd always been fit, had played prop at rugby for Bucks Schoolboys, excelled at most sports, passed Sandhurst and had a very positive thumbs up from my Yorkshire Infantry Battalion colonel for a five year commission paid through university. Bipolar 1 hit me harder than a sledgehammer. The depression was relentless and went on for months. Thank heavens anti-depressants have improved. Altogether I had three depressions and a manic episode all because the psychiatrist chosen by my GPs refused to diagnose my bipolar telling me I'd only had an 'emotional reaction'. I sincerely hope that will not happen again to anyone

Once I got my diagnosis and prescribed the correct meds it was as if someone had turned the lights on and I was suddenly back to my old self except for the shame. I was hardly full of the joys of spring about my health history and having to hide the breakdown because of stigma. Noone told me I was in for more but when they came they stopped me from seeing old friends. It was no surprise when I heard that I have PTSD as a result of the traumas. I've had EMDR treatment from an excellent private practitioner. Now that I am diagnosed and so much better I hope my recovery will reassure other people with bipolar 1 or 2 who may have lost confidence because of the truly awful stigma. 
 
Altogether I hid the illness for over thirty years. I wasn't going to mention it when I worked at Wainwrights I knew dad wouldn't have coped it. For the good of the family business I had to leave when my brothers jealousy became too much (I tell the story on page 9 of the website). It was an awful time for me. Having done the right thing by leaving I was denied my rights and finished up stabbed in the back. I eventually realised if I didn't open up about my bipolar 1 nothing would ever change. Understanding that made a big difference. It boosted my confidence and self esteem. I'd put on far too much weight and had become unfit. We played badminton once a week which wasn't enough. I thought it worth trying to get back into playing tennis. Unfortunately an issue developed at the local club which ironically helped me all the more. The controlling husband and wife who were also chairman and secretary formed a clique with a nuisance and troublemaker. Between them they broke the most important rules of sport. I knew they were wrong but lacking confidence I nearly caved in! I had to stand up for myself again and had sport as my incentive. I've never tolerated bullying and unfairness. I knew my bipolar might be used against me so I spiked their guns with some online publicity. Once a husband and wife control a local sports club like that there's no shifting them however wrong they might be. They were poor judges of people and mainly there for themselves. These situations are common enough amongst tennis clubs and the full story of this one remains to be told.